Corruptionpalooza: This Week With the US Attorney Scandal

For those looking to catch up on a busy week of Justice Department officials who just can’t seem to tell the truth about anything, here’s a timeline for this week of the fantastical verbal contortionists who appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee regarding the fired US Attorneys.

Think of it like Cirque du Soleil, except instead of whimsy and Frenchmen, it’s the executive branch of government raping our collective trust that there may be at least some area of government that hasn’t been corrupted into a political blunt instrument of the present White House.

March 24th: Justice Department liaison to the White House Monica “Buzz Saw” Goodling announces she will be taking an indefinite leave of absence from her current duties. As reported in the Legal Times, Buzz Saw’s interview technique for future US Attorney’s was to ask them on a scale of 1 to 10 how much they loved unlimited executive power, and then to dismiss any she thought lacked necessary loyalty to the Bush White House.

Oddly, Goodling appeared to have had a long history of being the savage right hand of many within the Republican National Committee, including RNC opposition research guru and Karl Rove aide Tim Griffin. Griffin later appeared as the White House pick to be US Attorney for Eastern Arkansas. The words you might be searching for are, “Oh snap.”

“The president continues to have confidence in the attorney general. As the Justice Department said last night, these new documents are not inconsistent with its previous statements.” - Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino

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March 26th: Buzz Saw announces she will be taking the 5th when appearing before congress. Her legal council offers up this reasoning for her reluctance, “certain members of the Senate Judiciary Committee have already reached conclusions about the matter under investigation and the veracity of the testimony provided by the Department of Justice to date.”

Future President Duncan Hunter rolls out yet another line of reasoning for the sacking of Carol Lam, the most high profile of the Attorney firings, which is a lack of minor drug case prosecutions. Hunter is believed to have just missed being brought up on charges by Lam, which makes Hunter’s remarks totally believable/not even vaguely ridiculous and or stupid.

“I understand the concern. I understand that people might think that there are inconsistencies. But as I read it, I think that he has been consistent.” -Dana Perino.

March 27th: “The attorney general has some work to do on Capitol Hill, and that remains true today.” - Dana Perino.

March 29th: Alberto Gonzales’s former chief-of-staff Kyle Sampson appears before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Under oath he mentions that Gonzales’s previous statements to the committee might not have been, “entirely accurate.” Under questioning Sampson acknowledges that he took part in “bad faith” attempts to install US Attorney without senate confirmation using the Patriot Act. He also acknowledges he considered adding Scooter Libby prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to the list, which even appears to have horrified Karl Rove and Harriet Myers. When asked what compelled him to do such a thing, he responded, “I’m not sure. I think it was maybe to get a reaction from them.”

Asked by Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont what would define a “Loyal Bushie”, an important qualification in the new hiring scheme, Sampson replies, “In my emails, by referring to loyal Bushies or loyalty to the President or the Attorney General, I meant loyalty to their policies and the priorities they had laid out for US Attorneys.”

March 30th: “You can have full confidence in somebody and believe that they still have work to do and believe that they’re going to get that work done.” - Dana Perino.