An Editorial Reply: No Seriously, John McCain Might Be Insane

In our last episode John McCain sang about bombing Iran set to the tune of the Beach Boys. Yesterday, John McCain responded. Somehow it’s way worse:

“Please, I was talking to some of my old veterans friends,” he told reporters. “My response is, Lighten up and get a life.” When reporters asked if the joke was insensitive, McCain said: “Insensitive to what? The Iranians?”

In a flash that seems to rip the soul out right through your eyes, you realize that all the jokes you’ve made are just a hollow sham compared to the unrelenting brutality of the naked truth: he’s completely fucking out of his mind. And not in the, “Haha, the internet makes fun of him for being elderly and probably senile,” way, but in the, “hearing voices, schizophrenic bouts of madness marked by a trail of burning nations and a foaming at the mouth President McCain pitch forking Cambodian children because it’s a war for survival of the species” kind of way.

John McCain’s campaign for president, which has thus far been a high speed death spin that’s as probably embarrassing for the people around him as it is hilarious for fans of hardcore, pornographic levels of schadenfreude, is rapidly entering the mythical heights of Rep. Dan Burton declaring that the gays put AIDS in his salad.

But the problem is there are still people out there that consider him sane.

This has to stop, and sadly, this is going to involve doing something. But what that something is easy, and if you’re belligerent and drunk enough, probably fun. McCain has duped tens of thousands of otherwise decent people into believing he’s a funny guy who tells it like it is. All you’ve got to do is the same thing.

Introduce your friends, family, and attractive strangers who you’d possibly like to sleep with later to the real John McCain. Nothing enhances conversation quite like, “Have you heard John McCain wants to bomb everyone a different color than he is?”, or, “So I was just thinking, I don’t consider my homosexual friends to be deviants to be looked down on or placed in camps. Isn’t it weird that John McCain does?”

The fun thing is, unlike Bush telling racists in South Carolina that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black baby, you don’t even have to exaggerate. Just McCain’s views on a women’s right to chose should drive most decent human beings toward tears or nausea. He’s really that crazy!

Do the right thing, if not for your country, then for the selfish part of you that doesn’t want to find out what will happen when McCain starts World War 3, the Chinese invade the west coast, and you’re fleeing desperately towards Mexico only a step ahead of the rampant gangs of motorcycle riding cannibals that now ravage the Midwest.